Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Wednesday Words: Faith and Prayer

Having major writer's block lately.  I don't think it's because I don't have anything to say, it's because I have too much to say and it's all swirling in my head. Although I love to organize, I cannot seem to organize my head.:)

But I am going to try.  I talked about revelation last time, and how I sometimes don't know if I get it.  Sometimes I don't get faith.  I remember at the end of mission I expressed this to my mission president.  I remember this wise man said to me basically it's somewhat of a mystery.  

We can pray in faith for miracles, yet sometimes they come, sometimes they don't.  I remember when I was going through my nightmare last year, at first I prayed, and I prayed hard for the pain to end, and yet I never felt like I was heard.  It hurt to know God was watching me suffer and yet unwilling ( in my mind) to do anything about it.  

So I quit praying.  I know, judge all you want, but in all in honesty, anytime I did anything "spiritual" the torment would increase.  So for survival, I backed off being spiritual which was one of the hardest things to do because living the Gospel is everything to me, and yet I felt unable to at that time.  My daughter asked me about my 2013 Depression (that's what we'll call it) the other day and I said it felt like someone had ripped out my soul.

Now that I'm much much better, I'm back at living the Gospel and loving it, yet as I wrestled with the whole revelation thing last month, I realize my faith in prayer is a little shaky.  Yes I pray, and I pray a lot for others, and sometimes I pray as if it's an after thought for God to fulfill the deep desires of my heart.   It's kinda like, " you know if you have time, and get around to it, please answer this prayer". 

So on Pinterest the other day;), I found a great quote by Elder Holland:

God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.

 That really hit me and I felt of it's truthfulness.  God wants to answer my prayers.  He loves me!  And I need to have faith, but first, I need the Lord "to help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24)  
I am working on it and know my Heavenly Father will have patience with me and is waiting to help me fulfill my dreams.

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